I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
