i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
