I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
