I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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