i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
