i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
