So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
