and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Bring me that man meat
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
