I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
