I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
