and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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