I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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