Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
