I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
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I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
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You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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