I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
