and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
