I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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