Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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