Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
