Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
