I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
