it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
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