she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
