if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
