I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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