My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
