My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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