I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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