I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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