Your dad touched me again.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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