I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
