I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
