I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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