Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
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Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
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Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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