I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
