One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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