I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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