A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
