Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Someone came in the potted fern
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
