I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
only you would photoshop your dick
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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