Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
