I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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