Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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