dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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