Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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