This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
