Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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