I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
