She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
