when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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