My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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