On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
